


Luffa Annual 2: Orange Christmas

by Mike_Smith



Series: Luffa Annuals [2]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Sentai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:13:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28318788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mike_Smith/pseuds/Mike_Smith
Summary: I've kind of got a theme here where I do these annual stories with an AU theme, but I didn't think further than "coffee shop AU" and I already spent that nickel last year.So yeah, this is about Launch getting recruited into a super sentai team that exclusively fights Christmas-themed battles.   Blink and you'll miss cameos by the Supreme Kai of Time, Towa, and WCW legend the Shockmaster.   But mostly it's my loser OC's trying to save Christmas.
Series: Luffa Annuals [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2078310





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story features characters and concepts based on Dragon Ball, which is a trademark of Bird Studio/Shueisha and Toei Animation. This is an unauthorized work, and no profit is being made on this work by me. This story is copyright of me. Download if you like, but please don’t archive it without my permission. Don’t be shy.
> 
> Continuity Note: The worst thing I ever did to Luffa was put her in a story set in 2020.

_**[8 December, 2020. Anaheim, California, United States.]** _

It was a nice place, Launch thought to herself as she jimmied the lock on the door. The house looked like the one in "Iron Man 3" before it got blown up. Only this place didn't have any sort of high-tech security system. This wasn't altogether unusual. There were a lot of kooks in this state, people who were rich enough to need a burglar alarm but also naive enough to think they didn't. "Oh, no one would drive this far off the grid to rob me," they probably said to themselves. They believed in karma, or positive vibrations, or that crime was something that only happened to 'other' people. They thought they were _different_ , and that this difference made them special.

Launch was different. She liked to live dangerously, and she liked the open road, and so she had no qualms about roaming the Pacific coastline scouting targets for brazen daylight robberies. Most crooks wouldn't dare to break into a place while someone might be home, but Launch wasn't most crooks. She rather liked the idea of finding someone inside and holding them at gunpoint. If their valuables weren't in plain sight, then so be it. She would take her time searching and enjoy it. If someone called the police, that would be fine too. Her Kawasaki Ninja H2R had a top speed just under 250 miles per hour, and it had been too long since her last chase. She wore a black shirt and paratrooper fatigue pants, and her blonde hair was styled like Farrah Fawcett because she liked that old poster from the 70's. Most of the money she stole just ended up getting buried in the desert for safe keeping, or spent to support her lifestyle. Motorcycle tune-ups, new guns, tips on where to strike next.

"Why would you want to live this way?" asked one of her recent victims. Sometimes they were so shocked by the intrusion that they would ask questions while she robbed them, like they were desperate to at least find some logic to the whole experience. "With your looks, you could be an actress or something!"

"This ain't no act," she muttered to herself as she finished unlocking the door and made her way into the house. Everyone in this state thought the ultimate goal in life was to become famous and comfortable. Launch was different. She didn't was to _pretend_ to have an exciting life. She wanted the real thing, and she got it every day. As she made her way through the expansive foyer, she hoped that she would find someone in the next room, just for the rush she would get from the look on their face.

The interior design was impressive, and Launch could tell that a lot of money had gone into the place, but she couldn't find anything that was expensive _and_ portable. Eventually, she made her way to the kitchen and helped herself to a tray of those little sandwiches with the crusts cut off. There _was_ someone here. If the fondue pot and other snack trays were any indication, it looked like there was some sort of gathering.

Just as she wondered where they all were, a child walked into the kitchen from the other door. If she noticed the semi-automatic pistol in Launch's right hand, she didn't show it. Instead, she breezed past her and started gathering up the fondue accessories.

"Hey, can you give me a hand with this stuff?" the girl asked. "We'll be starting soon."

"What?" Launch asked. She pointed her gun at the girl more out of frustration than anger. "You think this is some kinda joke?"

The child didn't flinch. "Wait, they didn't tell you about all this? Okay, never mind then. Hey! Hey, Seltiss!"

Launch was so startled by her shouting that she almost dropped the gun. "What's your damage, kid?" she started to ask, before a second girl stormed into the kitchen. She was a teenager, dressed entirely in pink. Her dress, her leggings,her shoes, the strappy bands on her arms, her nail polish, makeup, and even her hair. The girl looked like she had been bitten by a radioactive stick of bubble gum.

"Ugh! What is it _now_ , Keda?" Seltiss demanded. "I'm busy enough without you _screaming_ at me."

"Well, I need help moving the snacks," Keda said. "And I guess no one filled Launch in before she came here."

"No one told her?" Seltiss asked indignantly. "Pssh. That's adults for you. They just assume everyone knows what they know." Then she looked at Launch and smiled pleasantly. "It's okay, ma'am, we'll get you up to speed. I hope you like fruitcake, because _Luffa made plenty_."

She rolled her eyes at the end of that sentence, and something about this gesture used up the last of Launch's patience. "Are you brats stupid or somethin'?" Launch asked. "Do you not see this gun I'm pointin' at you? I'm here to _rob the place_!"

Keda and Seltiss looked at the gun, then at each other. Keda shrugged and went back to gathering the food.

"Okay, well, I guess that means you didn't do the reading," Seltiss said. " _Awk_ -ward. Well, I'll try to fill you in on the way to the den. See, in chapter twelve--"

"Dammit, this thing's loaded!" Launch said. She was actually surprised by how angry she was. Her weapons usually commanded respect, and these two didn't even seem to care. She pointed the barrel away from Seltiss, just enough to fire a warning shot, but in the moment she pulled the trigger, Seltiss' friendly smile vanished.

With a speed Launch could hardly imagine, Seltiss brought up her left hand, cupping her palm over the barrel of the gun. There was a flash of orange light, which might have been mistaken for the gun firing, except the color wasn't right, and there were thin arcs of lightning that crackled around the girl's hand. And then, with a sudden flick of the wrist, Seltiss yanked the weapon out of Launch's hand.

It had all happened so fast, faster than the eye could follow. That was how Launch had wanted to describe it.

Except that her eyes _had_ followed the entire thing. As Seltiss held up the gun, a bullet fell from her hand. Launch watched it bounce off the linoleum and realized that it hadn't been an illusion. Somehow, the girl had caught the bullet before it could get out of the barrel, and Launch had been able to follow her movements.

"Um, rude?" Seltiss said, her grim expression shifting back to her former cheerfulness. "Well, maybe we should let the adults sort this out after all. Just follow me, okay?"

Launch was too dumbfounded to refuse.

*******

The first thing Launch noticed in the den was an expensive-looking grandfather clock. It was too big to carry, but sometimes people hid smaller valuables inside the pendulum case. Nearly everything in the room was made out of varnished wood, making Launch feel like she had stepped inside an enormous violin. But no matter how expensive it all looked, she couldn't find anything worth stealing that wasn't nailed down. The snack trays on the table looked like the same fare you could buy at the nearest Wal-Mart.

The guests didn't look terribly fancy either. Dotz was a tall, middle-aged woman dressed in a long flowing skirt and a purple cardigan that looked homemade. She kept clutching at her paperback book as though she were nervous that she might drop it.

M'ranga was closer to Launch's age. There was something obnoxiously righteous about her, like she would start singing the national anthem or passing out religious literature at any moment. Her black backpack was covered in buttons bearing the slogans of several dozen political movements, and her shirt, emblazoned with the words "Ask me about the revolution" made her look like a soldier in a war that existed only in her head.

Jayncho didn't look like she was carrying anything valuable either, although she did look like the most trouble out of the group. Launch had literally broken into this house, but out of the entire group Jayncho still looked the most like an intruder. Her dark, gloomy eyes glared at everyone as she stalked around the den. And yet, she wore the most festive attire. Her red and white striped dress made her look like a candy cane, and her brown ponytail looked like it was tied up with tinsel. Each time her path around the room led her back to the snack table, she paused to grab a handful of cookies and other sweets.

"If you like the snacks so much, why don't you help us bring them in from the kitchen next time?" Keda asked.

Jayncho stuffed a bunch of peppermints in her mouth and shrugged.

"So did _anyone_ do the reading?" Seltiss asked the room. This only led to a round of grumbles and weak excuses.

"Listen, sixth grade is tough," Keda said. "And it's only going to get worse. Mrs. Hoover told me they make you _turn in your notes_ in seventh grade, and if you don't write enough pages you get _expelled_."

"Oh, they do not!" Seltiss said. "They're just jerking you around because they want you to behave. I'm halfway through high school and nobody makes you _turn in your notes_."

"Really?" Keda asked hopefully.

"Of course not," M'ranga said. "Think about it, would your teacher have time to read all of that? Not just your notes, but the notes from all the other students in your class? Nobody gets paid enough for that. It's all a bluff to keep you from noticing what's _really_ going on."

"Huh. I never thought about it that way," Keda said. She began to rub her chin with her fingers as she considered this revelation.

"Well, um, I did the reading," Dotz said. "Er, well, I started anyway. But then I started this other book and I just got really pulled into it, you know? I think you'd all enjoy it."

"Not _again_ , Dotz," Jayncho said between crunches of peppermint. "Whole point of a book club is we all read the _same book_. Start to finish. We can't keep switching around like this."

"You guys are a _book club_?" Launch finally asked.

"Not exactly," Keda said. "But we needed a team activity during the off-season, and Dotz thought this would be a good thing to bond over. It gives us something to do during the rest of the year when we're not-- uh-oh."

While Keda was speaking, a loud electronic buzz sounded through the den, and orange lights began to flash all around them. Launch hadn't noticed any special light fixtures before, and she might have supposed that they wouldn't have been very conspicuous until they lit up, but then she noticed the room was beginning to... change.

A section of the wall behind the grandfather clock suddenly swung open like a door, and the clock rotated with it until it was concealed behind the wall. In its place now stood an elaborately decorated Christmas tree, like something from a high-end department store.

An endtable next to a couch suddenly _transformed_ , unfolding and rearranging itself until it finally became a stereo with a vinyl record player. A smooth jazz rendition of "What Child is This?" could be heard beneath the blare of the alarm.

Dotz' recliner suddenly began to sink into the floor. "Ope!" Dotz said. As she descended, she looked around in a mild panic. "Where did I leave my purse?"

Acting quickly, M'ranga picked up a mauve handbag and tossed it into Dotz's lap.

"Thanks!" Dotz said just as the floor closed up over her. "Uh... bye!"

"Condition: Jolly. Repeat! Condition: Jolly. Scramble Code Seven Jay Niner."

This was the recorded message that now spoke in place of the alarm, and the others began to head for one corner of the room. Launch might have followed them, except she was too bewildered by the holly wreaths that seemed to sprout from the wood panels along the walls.

"What the hell is going on here?" she cried, though she knew she wouldn't get an answer.

"Oh, I forgot about Launch," Keda said, "she doesn't know about the scramble protocol!"

"Well the tube's already here," Jayncho observed as a large transparent pipe suddenly descended from the ceiling and surrounded everyone in the corner of the room. "I guess someone'll have to go back and get her."

And then, before anyone else could speak, all four of them were drawn up into the tube, like ants caught in a giant vacuum hose. A moment passed, and then the tube lifted from the floor, and recessed back into the ceiling. And Launch found herself alone once again. The alarm silenced, and the record had changed to an _a capella_ version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas".

With no other distractions, Launch made up her mind to leave the room. She wasn't sure if she was motivated by fear or curiosity, but there was nothing to steal here, and Seltiss had already made it plain to see that she couldn't overpower these people. She made it fifteen paces through the hallway before she noticed the entire house had transformed as well. Multicolored light strings were wrapped loosely around the handrail of the staircases. The walls, once beige and unremarkable, suddenly bore wallpaper: deep carmine with gold trim.

Returning to the foyer, she found a large nativity scene near the front door. It was an artsy-fartsy, minimalist piece, with all the characters represented by lumps of metal machined into vaguely human shapes. This made it shiny enough to attract Launch's attention, and then she noticed a golden color on the figure in the manger, as well as the Star of Bethlehem mounted on the top. Even if it was just gilding, they were small enough to carry, but big enough to make this trip somewhat profitable.

Ignoring the orange lights that still flashed around her, Launch reached for the manger first, and then, just as she had her hand closed around it--

"Don't touch that, dammit!"

Launch turned just in time to see a rolling pin swinging towards her face. She managed to bring her arm up just in time to protect her head, but the impact was still enough to knock her down. She found herself tumbling into another Christmas tree, which mostly broke her fall, but not quite. It took her a few seconds to free herself from the tangle of tinsel and light strings, and when she did, she looked up to find a woman looming over her with fury in her eyes.

"Welcome to Big Orange, Launch," she said, still holding the rolling pin with violent intent. "First rule is: Don't mess with the Baby Jesus, got it?"

Launch didn't get any of it, but she nodded anyway.

**NEXT: The Plot**


	2. Chapter 2

_**[1 December 2020. Dark Fortress, the Yule Dimension.]** _

"There can be no further delay. The Eternal Holiday must continue."

There were four Saint Beasts of the Dark Council. Each of them were dressed in sexy elf costumes, which kind of undermines the gravitas of their office, but in the Yule Dimension there was no more sacred and revered garment. General Slables and her comrades knelt before them, each of them secretly envying the Councillors' power.

**_"I AGREE, LADY TOWA,"_** replied the Shockmaster. A mountain of a man, his fearsome helmet was adorned with red and green glitter. His pointy elf shoes had jingle bells on them. His candy-striped tights only enhanced his masculinity, rather than detract from it.

"Speak, General Kandai. What plan do you propose to impose Eternal Holiday upon the Earth?"

These were the words of Lord Wildthyme. His elfin attire included a box attached to the crotch of his pants. Like that SNL sketch from 2006. The one with Justin Timberlake. Let's just move on.

Kandai rose from his spot and cleared his throat. Unlike the Dark Councillors, he and the other soldiers were dressed much more professionally. Like the bridge crew from Robotech. Macross? I don't know. But those uniforms, only more red and green.

"Well, my lords," he began, "Um, I know the armies of Gingerbread Warriors didn't work out quite the way we had hoped, but uh... I was thinking we could increase production, and maybe try that again this year--"

"Enough!" cried Lord Rehval. "You have failed us too many times already, General Kandai! In fact, I wonder why we did not have you banished to the HFIL Realm last year!"

Rehval's elfish attire was basically a pair of those old-timey onesie pajama's with the button-up part in the seat, like Dennis the Menace used to wear. Does he still wear those? Am I dating myself? Look, I'll level with you, I don't know where I was going with this sexy elf costume gag. I was trying to set up Towa having a sexy outfit like she usually does, only Christmas themed, but that seems kind of obvious now that I think of it. It's certainly not much of a payoff, so I shouldn't have saved her description for last. "Oh, hey, Towa's got a boob window just like in the video games, but it's shaped like a pine tree or something." I mean, that's just sad.

"Please, my lords!" Kandai begged. "I was so close last year. With a few minor modifications, I'm sure my plan could succeed, if only you'd give me another chance--"

"How easily you forget, Lord Rehval," Towa said. She raised her enchanted staff, and when she pointed it at Kandai, he was enveloped in a beam of crimson light, and suddenly transformed into the leg lamp from "A Christmas Story". This was the worst punishment imaginable in the Yultide Dimension, the final sanction for failures and traitors alike.

Towa turned to address her colleagues as a group of servants carried the lamp away for disposal. "We elected to postpone Kandai's punishment until such time as it would carry dramatic weight."

"Oh, right," Rehval said.

**_"IT COMPLETELY SLIPPED MY MIND,"_** the Shockmaster boomed.

"I just wanted to say, Towa," Wildthyme added, "that is an _especially_ sexy elf outfit you put on today. I mean, we all committed to this bit, but you? _Damn._ You _really_ went above and beyond this time."

"Why thank you, Wildthyme," Towa said. "You look very sharp yourself. But let's return to the matter at hand."

Yeah, I'm not even gonna do it. It's Towa, she's blue, she's got white hair, and she dresses provocatively. What else can I say? Listen, I just want to take this moment to say how much I appreciate you reading this weird thing I'm doing. I don't feel like I celebrate Christmas with a lot of gusto anymore, and I guess that happens to everyone once they reach a certain age. So I figured I'd try to really cram a silly story full of references and see if that helps. Well, I should get back to what I was doing.

"General Slables," Towa said, "what plan do _you_ have to subjugate the Earth Dimension?"

Slables smirked before she rose to address the Council. She had been waiting for this opportunity, and now that Kandai had met his end, she could seize her chance. "Hail the Eternal Holiday!" she cried. "My lords, I have studied the problem for months, and have determined that the humans have one fatal weakness, a weakness I shall exploit to crush Big Orange and achieve ultimate victory for the Yule Dimension."

**_"WHAT WEAKNESS IS THAT, GENERAL?"_** the Shockmaster asked.

"Self-righteousness," she replied. "The humans live surrounded by injustice, poverty, and corruption, but do they work together to confront those problems? No! It's far easier for them to invent some fictional crisis and pretend to combat that instead! Why deal with pollution when you can complain about plastic straws? Why fight against bigotry when you can fret over a conspiracy to outlaw Christmas!"

"Of course!" Wildthyme said. "That's brilliant! All we have to do is siphon the negative energy from all these idiots worrying about made-up bullshit, and we'll have more than enough power to conquer Earth!"

"Wait, is there enough energy in that for this to work?" Rehval asked.

"A small demonstration, Lord Councillor!" Shables said. "Suppose I greeted you by saying 'Merry Christmas.' You would think nothing of it, correct?"

"Go on," Rehval said.

"Now then, suppose that one day, I said instead... 'Happy Holidays.'"

"Ah, most efficient," Rehval said. "In a single greeting, you could wish me well for both the Eternal Holiday and several other holidays that happen to be taking place around the same time. Very impressive."

"Quite so, my lord," Shables said, "but some on the Earth find this _threatening_."

**_"WAIT, REALLY?"_** the Shockmaster asked.

"Oh yeah," Shables said. "Don't even get me started about coffee cups. And that's just Christmas. People getting outraged over pumpkin spice is a whole other conversation. The point is that this is a potent source of energy to feed our next invasion force."

"Very well, General," Towa proclaimed. "You may proceed with your plan. But be warned, if you should fail, you will share Kandai's fate!"

Slables saluted the Councillors, then turned briskly on her heel and marched off to her duty.

*******

**_[3 December, 2020. Asheville, North Carolina. United States.]_ **

Dr. Rex Ferguson, M.D., wanted two things. One was two enjoy a coffee after a long shift of performing emergency circumcisions. The second was to complain about things that absolutely did not matter at all. The local cafe satisfied both of these needs in abundance.

"That'll be $8.49," said the coffee technician as he handed Rex his Peppermint Dispy-Doodle Supreme. They called them "coffee technicians" at this particular establishment, which sounds like some kind of satirical commentary on overwrought job titles, but actually it's because this was a robot-themed coffee shop, and "coffee technician" sounded more on-brand. Also, have you seen a cappucino machine? Some of those things behind the counter look pretty complicated to operate, if you asked me. I'm a friggin' scientist, no joke, and I wouldn't know what to do if you put me in charge of one of those things. "Technician" seems more than fair.

"Ah, thanks, thank you very much, wait, what...? What is this?" Rex said as he received his order. "What's with this cup? Where's the reindeer?"

"Oh, well, we phased out that design, sir," the technician said. "The new theme for the Holiday cups is the blue snowflake design."

" _Phased out_?" Ferguson asked. "You don't just _phase out_ Rudolph, man, what's wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but I don't make that decision--"

"Yeah, but what's next?" Ferguson asked. "First they put the Charlie Brown special on HBO or Disney Plus or whatever it was, and now you can't have Rudolph on your coffee? What country are we living in?"

"Rex!"

Rex turned to find his colleague, Dr. Chad Rubad, M.D., standing beside him. "Did you see the new cups?"

"Hell yeah, I've seen the new cups, what is this, man?

"No Prancer on 'em this year."

"That's what I'm saying, there's no... wait, Prancer? What are you talking about? It was Rudolph."

"Nah, I got the limited edition."

"The point is it's some B.S. is what it is."

"I know that's right."

The continued to gripe about it as they bitterly drank their coffee. About halfway back to the hospital they heard someone else calling out to them.

"Hey! Hey! You two look like you're upset about something."

"You're damn right we are," Rex said.

"Look at these cups we're drinking out of," Chad added.

"Whoever heard of drinking coffee out of a _blue_ cup anyway?" Rex complained. "It's like they ruined Christmas all over again."

"This is the worst thing that ever happened! 2020 was going _great_ , and then all of a sudden this happens!"

"I know, man, this is a travesty!"

"Listen, shut up a second, you two. I think I might have something that would interest you in my cafe."

"Cafe?" Rex asked.

"How many damn coffee shops are in this story, anyway?" Chad asked. "I mean, we already did this gimmick last year..."

She led them into the building, and handed them a pair of cups, already filled with hot coffee. Both cups had a festive red-and-green design, featuring images of holly, a reindeer, and a Santa Claus holding Baby Jesus on his lap.

"Well, would you look at that?" Rex said as he took his cup.

"They got every damn thing on here," Chad said. "I'm feeling jollier already."

"Yeah, it's like this cup is sucking out all my bitterness, and diverting it someplace else," Rex said.

"Well, I'm glad you gentlemen like our cups," she said. "Be sure to tell your friends. We're having a special for hospital employees, by the way."

"No problem, lady," Chad said. "Me and Rex, well you might say we're experts when it comes to cups, if you know what I mean."

"Is that some sort of joke about groin protectors?" she said. "Because that's pretty dumb."

"Well, we'd better get going," Rex said.

"Wait wait wait wait," said Chad. "I just wanted to ask, lady. What's up with that mask?"

"The mask?" she said. "You two are doctors, right? It's 2020, there's a pandemic, and you want to know what the mask is for? I mean, come on."

"No, that looks like some sort of cosplay thing," Chad said.

"This better not be a damn JoJo reference," Rex added.

"It's not!" she protested.

"I hate when people do that crap," Chad said. "You sit down to read some Dragon Ball Z thing and it's just a bunch of nonsense OC's and whatever freaky-deaky shit the writer's into."

"Yeah, nobody even watches part 1 anyway," Rex added.

"Okay, first of all," she said, "Part 1's pretty awesome. I'm sick of everyone turning up their nose at an anime full of vampires and decapitations because they think it's 'boring'. I mean, how entitled can you get?"

"Okay, that's a good point, sorry," Rex said.

"Second of all," she said, "This mask isn't a JoJo reference. I'm a luchadore, and this is my proud tradition. So just back off, all right?"

"Oh, so it's a wrestling thing," Chad said. " _Again_."

"Oh for cryin' out--!" Rex said as he threw his hands in the air. His coffee splashed everywhere.

"What?" she asked.

"We did this wrestling bit _last year_ ," Chad said. "Seriously, how many times are we gonna wear this thing out?"

"Look, I'm trying to hide my identity," she said. "There's a reveal coming up, and I can't spoil it while I hand out all this free coffee."

"Are you Vince McMahon under there?" Rex asked. "' _It's me Oss-ten! It was me all along, Oss-ten!_ '"

"Aw sonova _bi_ \--" Chad began to say.

"Look, if you tell all your friends to get your coffee here, I'll tell you my secret identity."

The two men of medicine decided this was a fair trade, and so they agreed and, after she gave them a peek under her mask, they went along their way. General Slables put the mask back on and shook her head in disgust.

"What a couple of marks," she muttered.

*******

_**[8 December, 2020. Anaheim, California, United States.]** _

There was another strange room in the house which Launch could only call a cellar, since it was below the ground floor. But the way down had been a bizarre elevator hidden behind one of the walls in the kitchen, so Launch doubted it was anything close to a real cellar. On the other hand, there was a shelf containing jars of preserves, but the hi-tech computers and equipment seemed to suggest otherwise.

"I'm Luffa," said the woman with the rolling pin. She had short, spiky hair and wore a gold sweater with snowflakes and a reindeer on the front. At the end of her black leggings were a pair of novelty slippers shaped like Santa Claus. "And I'm Champion Christmas," Luffa added testily.

"All you people keep sayin' dumb stuff like it's supposed to make sense," Launch sneered, "but trust me, it don't."

"I _tried_ to tell you about this over the phone," Luffa said. "But you hung up on me, so I had to get creative. From what I can tell, all you care about is fast living and stealing crap, so I arranged one of your contacts to give you a false tip that this was a good place to rob." 

"So why do to all that trouble for little ol' me?" Launch asked. She didn't even remember getting a phone call from this person, but that wasn't entirely surprising. At least it explained how everyone here knew her name. They had been keeping tabs on her for some reason, but why? What possible use could she be to anyone?

"I need your help to defend the world," Luffa said. "If there was someone else, I wouldn't bother, but it's you, Launch. It's gotta be you." 

"Defend the--? Oh, quit screwin' around. What's this really about?"

"I'm dead serious," Luffa said. Somehow the smirk on her face seemed to make her more sincere. "Every year this planet teeters on the brink of disaster, and my team and I are all that stands in its way. 

"Oh, come on!"

Luffa held up her hand, and a crackle of orange lightning appeared. It arced up her forearm and danced across the tips of her fingers. 

"You've seen this, right?" Luffa asked. "Seltiss took your gun away, and even if she hadn't, I bet you've made this happen yourself a time or two. But it doesn't matter. I know a faster way to show you." 

Without warning, she rushed toward Launch with superhuman speed. Once again, Launch found herself strangely aware of the passage of time in this fraction of a second, but she had no idea what to do. Instinctively, she brought up her hands to block Luffa's punch...

...and succeeded. There was an almost metallic "clang" as Luffa's knuckles made contact with Launch's open palms, and the same orange energy was roiling off of both of them now. 

"What... what is this?" Launch asked. 

"That's the reason I lured you here," Luffa said with a satisfied smile. "It's the power that's going to help us protect the world." 

"You're nuts, lady. I don't care what you're selling, but I ain't interested in 'world peace' or 'saving Christmas' or any of that other noise." 

"I never said we were out to _save_ _Christmas_. The problem is that there's _too much_ Christmas!" Luffa explained, even though this wasn't much of an explanation. 

"What the hell does that mean?" Launch asked. 

"People always gripe when stores put up their Christmas decorations too early," Luffa said. "Some people think you ought to wait until after Thanksgiving, others say it should wait until the first of December. I'm not that worried about it myself, but what drives me _nuts_ is when people leave their decorations up into January. The point is that there may not be any right or wrong answers, but everyone understands that you can't just leave that stuff up all the time. There has to be a particular time of year for Christmas. It's not supposed to be year-round, and it isn't, at least not in _this_ dimension."

" _This_ dimension?" Launch asked. 

"Three years ago, the Chronoa Foundation discovered the existence of a dimension adjacent to our own," Luffa said. "But they've known about _us_ for a lot longer than that. Somehow, they've pieced together parts of our culture, and they adopted Christmas tradition for themselves. The only difference is that they celebrate it _all the time_. And it's not enough. Now that they know about our world, they want to come through and take over, and we'll end up with the same year-round Christmas that they have." 

"O... kay?" Launch said. "That doesn't sound like that big a deal though. I mean, who cares if you leave a stupid tree up a little longer?" 

Luffa gasped with outrage. "I can't believe what I'm hearing. Look, I _love_ Christmas. It's the best time of the year. I bake sugar cookies and decorate them with green and red frosting and watch "Gremlins" over and over. But when December 26th hits, I know that the party's over. There's a week-long cooldown, nice and relaxing, and then it's New Years Day and it's over. It has to be. It's the best part of the year, but it's _part_ of the year. Like the cool part of Tomohiro Ishii's theme song." 

"Who's that?" Launch asked. 

Luffa reached into one of the pockets on her sweater and withdrew a smartphone. The plastic case surrounding it was badly worn from repeated falls. A pair of earbuds dangled from one end by a black cord. As Luffa worked the touchscreen, the earbuds hung only a few inches from the ground. 

"Here, listen to this," Luffa said as she shoved the phone into Launch's hands. 

At first, all Launch heard was a siren, like something out of a disaster movie. Then, the snarls and barks of an angry dog. Then music began, quiet and serene at first, only to give way to an electric guitar and a killer drum beat. Launch didn't know what the point of this was. 

"Tomohiro Ishii is a Japanese pro wrestler," Luffa explained with manic reverence. "He turns forty-five this month, but you'd never know it from what a great worker he is. They call him the 'Stone Pitbull' because he's a _badass mofo_. So when he comes down to the ring for his matches, they play this song."

"What does that have to do with--?" 

"Shhhh!" Luffa said. "You're almost to the good part." 

Launch was about to ask what she meant, but then, at about one minute and twenty seconds into the track, the music reached its climax, and an epic refrain repeated for the next twenty seconds. Then the siren again, and then a mellow section of the song, almost a reprieve from the wicked riff that had just come before.

"Holy _shit_ ," Launch said. 

"I know right?" Luffa said.

At two minutes and forty seconds, the music hit the same climactic refrain for another twenty seconds. Launch listened to the rest of the song, only to find that it ended shortly afterward. 

"Okay, that's cool and all, but what does that have to do with Christmas?" 

"Everything," Luffa insisted. "Christmas is like the cool part of Tomohiro Ishii's theme song. You could make a remix and just loop the cool part over and over for five minutes, but then it would be effective. You'd get sick of it, and it would lose its magic. And what good would it be then? We need the rest of the year. The siren, the dog barking, all of it, or it just doesn't work. That's what the Yule Dimension doesn't understand." 

"Yule Dimension?" 

"When we discovered the other dimension, there was an intense burst of Yultide radiation, or Y-rays," Luffa said. We learned that the Yule Dimension uses this power to charge their weapons and invade other worlds. After the initial discovery, the barrier between worlds was weakened, and we found that it's at its weakest during the month of December, when Christmas spirit is at its maximum potential." 

"Are... are you high right now?" Launch asked. 

"High on _Christmas_ , yeah," Luffa said. "The point is that every year they try to invade this planet, and _we_ have to stop them." 

"Who the hell is _we_?" Launch demanded. 

"The Chronoa Foundation discovered a way to neutralize the powers of the Yultide Dimension. It was simple enough, really. What's the opposite of Christmas? Halloween, obviously. So they found a way to harness and concentrate all the Halloween energy from all over the world. My wife and I were going to be infused with the power so we could serve as the first line of defense in a new anti-Y-Dimension force. But there was an accident, and she was... lost... in a dimensional rift. That was five years ago."

"Uh... sorry about that." Launch said. 

"It's fine. It's fine. What matters now is that the H-power that was meant for us got dispersed. There was enough to get me charged up, but the rest ended up getting sent to random people all over the country. I've spent the last three years tracking it down, and when I find the people who have it, I recruit them into my team." 

"You mean those geeks and that book club of theirs?" 

"Together, we form Big Orange, the elite fighting force that regulates Yuletide energy in this dimension," Luffa said. "The book club is just a side thing we do between dimensional alignments. But now, well, you heard the alarms. The Y-Dimension is making their next move, so we need to be ready." 

Luffa extended her hand to Launch. "Look, I know this is a lot to take in, but you've seen enough to know that I'm not making this up. If I could remove the H-power from your body and give it to someone else, I would, but you're stuck with it, and that means we're in this together. So... will you help us? Will you join Big Orange?"

Launch stared at Luffa's hand for a moment, thinking it over. At last, she held up her right hand... and punched Luffa in the face. There was the same crackle of orange light, but this time, Launch found the experience much more satisfying. The blow wasn't enough to knock Luffa down, but it still staggered her, and when she recovered her footing, Launch was pleased to see a trickle of blood from her mouth. 

"Now that we're even?" Launch said with a grin. "Hell yeah. I don't get how this stuff works, but there's gotta be some money in it somewhere, right? In the meantime, it doesn't sound like it'll be boring." 

Luffa grimaced as she held her jaw. "Whatever works," she said. "Welcome aboard, lady." 

_**NEXT: Crash Course in Big Orange!** _


	3. Chapter 3

**_[8 December, 2020. Anaheim, California, United States.]_ **

"And that concludes our exhaustive orientation course for the Big Orange team," Luffa said. "You got any questions?"

Launch raised her hand, more out of desperation than any sort of courtesy or respect. "Yeah, uh, you didn't really explain anything. You just told everybody to put on their goofy outfits and then you yelled at the computer."

They were all convened in a hi-tech room, which Launch assumed was located in the lower floors of the mansion. Luffa was wearing a yellow spandex unitard with snowflake patterns running along the arms and legs. On the chest of her uniform was a logo that looked like an orange sock. Under the crook of her arm was a yellow helmet that looked vaguely like the sort of thing a motorcyclist might wear.

"Look, we don't have a lot of time for bringing you up to speed," Luffa said. "The Y-Dimension has access to our world now, and the early warning sensors show that they haven't wasted any time. Are _they_ going over every little detail with _their_ new recruits? I highly doubt that. Now, why haven't you put on your suit?"

Launch held up a green uniform that looked very similar to Luffa's. "Uh, gee I dunno, is this a test or somethin'? Wait, no, I know this one... it's because it looks _really stupid_. Yeah, that's definitely the answer."

Luffa pulled out the sidearm that was holstered on her hip and aimed it at Launch. "These aren't ordinary clothes, Launch," she said. "They're made of an advanced material specially designed to focus your H-power. If you try to fight our enemies without it, they'll tear you apart."

Launch pointed at the others in the room. "Then how come they're not wearing the same stuff?"

Keda was wearing the leggings, boots and gloves, at least, but she was also clad in a pleated skirt, along with a blouse with puffy sleeves. The entire outfit was blue, and she kept twisting her hips from one side to the other, in order to make the skirt whirl around back and forth. Occasionally, she would twirl around in a full circle, but this would make her dizzy.

Jayncho wore red, although calling her outfit a "uniform" seemed absurd. It looked more like a hoodie sweatshirt with sweatpants, both of which had been dyed red. There was a weapon holster around her waist, and she wore one glove, which seemed to be her only concession to the idea. When Launch looked at her, Jayncho looked back, and simply shrugged.

Dotz was dressed in what looked like a purple suit of armor with a hooded cape. "It's... uh... well, I don't know how familiar you are with Marvel Comics," she explained, when she noticed Launch staring, "but Psylocke from the X-Men used to wear this, right before she swapped bodies with Kwannon in issue--"

"This isn't the Army," Launch," said M'ranga, whose black costume looked made her look like some sort of ninja airline stewardess. "You have to wear the suit, but you can make it look like just about anything you want. We all made some alterations, and so can you."

"Yeah, if you need any suggestions, just let me know," said Seltiss, who looked the most bizarre out of the entire set. She was the only one actually wearing the helmet, but she had a wide-brimmed hat over that. Her coat and pants were a hot pink plaid, with a jaguar pattern on the cuffs of her sleeves and the collar of the jacket. She looked like something out of a fashion magazine from thirty years in the future.

"That reminds me, Luffa said," I forgot my lights. Before Launch could ask, Luffa reached into a nearby storage compartment and withdrew a tangle of multicolored LED light strings. She plugged one end into her belt, and the lights began to flash as she wrapped the string around her right hand and forearm.

"I don't get it," Launch said.

"It's like barbed wire," Luffa said, "only festive. Hey, I know, you can wear my sweatshirt."

She reached into the same compartment and withdrew a long-sleeved shirt, which she tossed over to Launch. It was yellow, but as soon as it came into contact with the uniform Launch was holding in her hands, it turned green. Launch held it up to read the design on the chest.

"NOW I HAVE A MACHINE GUN," was printed in white letters, surrounded by holly and poinsettias. Below this were the words "HO-HO-HO."

"It's perfect for you," Luffa said. "Because you like guns so much!"

"But I never even seen 'Lethal Weapon'," Launch said.

"It's not from ' _Lethal Weapon_ '," Luffa growled, "it's from 'Die H-- Never mind that crap! We're getting a signal from Chronoa!"

She rushed to another computer terminal and furiously worked the controls until a column of light appeared in the center of the room. Launch couldn't tell where it came from, or how the image of a small girl appeared in the center of it. She was clad entirely in white, like the Ghost of Christmas Past in some made-for-TV adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" that she only vaguely remembered.

"Greetings, Big Orange Team," Chronoa said. "I sense that you've located the final member of our group, and not a moment too soon, for even now, our foes in the Yule Dimension are moving forward on their most devious scheme yet. If we don't act swiftly, this may be-- Wait."

The image of Chronoa looked out over the group, her expression becoming more and more indignant. "Oh, come on!" she groaned. "Really? You guys _still_ won't wear the right uniforms?!"

"Um, no offense, Mrs. C," Seltiss said, "but the uniforms are kind of barf-o-rific."

"You _said_ we could change them," Keda added.

"I said you could _tweak_ them," Chronoa whined. "There's a difference. M'ranga looks like she's here to rob the place. What kind of example is that to set for... for... I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

"This is Launch," Luffa said as she busily wrapped light strings around her right leg. "She tried to rob the place."

Chronoa shook her head and sighed. "Let me just skip to the mission briefing."

The image of Chronoa suddenly vanished, replaced by a much wider image of a strange creature running wild through a city. It looked to Launch like someone took half of a reindeer costume and sewed it together with half of a pine tree costume. This assumed that such costumes were widely available to begin with. Launch cared as little for Halloween as she did for Christmas, but it seemed like this bunch was unusually fixated on both, for some reason.

"Are those egg nog cartons on its chest?" Keda asked.

"He's called Pinedeer," Chronoa said, "and he's the newest monster created by the Yule Dimension. They used the bitterness of human beings as the source of his energy, and he won't stop attacking until we defeat him."

"Why doesn't someone just shoot him?" Launch asked. "He looks pretty stupid to me. Somebody could probably just knock him over with one good shove."

"That's just what they _want_ you to think," M'ranga said. "The Yule Dimension makes their monsters powerful, but really stupid-looking, so that the authorities will underestimate them until it's too late. There's probably already some talking head on the news claiming it's a big hoax. And if anyone else _does_ try to stop it, they'll get beaten."

"Fine by me," Luffa said. "I've been itching to kick the crap out of something all year. Book club's over, ladies. Let's scramble the Big Orange Jets."

Each of them rushed to a row of multicolored alcoves along the far wall of the room. Launch was still figuring out how to work her costume, but headed for the green alcove anyway. Once they were all in position, the bottoms of the alcoves suddenly opened up, and they each slid down a separate tunnel. Launch found it similar to a water slide at a park she had visited as a child, only the green tunnel was flowing with orange energy instead of water.

Conveniently, the green uniform somehow managed to reshape itself until it was properly fitted over Launch's body. It seemed to cover her clothes, except she couldn't tell her clothes were still there underneath. None of it made any sense. The helmet had lips molded onto the face. The Twisted Sister cover of "O Come, All Ye Faithful" was playing inside the tunnel as she slid to wherever she was going. It was ridiculous.

At last, Launch emerged in the pilot's seat of a large green aircraft. The controls began to move themselves, and before she knew what was happening, the great machine launched itself into the sky. From the displays that surrounded her, Launch could see a hole in the ground where she must have come from, and several other aircraft converging on her position. They were all colored in the same scheme as everyone's uniforms back at the mansion: red, yellow, blue, pink, purple, and black.

"Now, I bet I know what you're thinking, Launch," said Luffa's voice over some radio speaker in Launch's cockpit.

Launch was thinking about how ridiculous this was. "I'll bet you _don't_ ," she said.

"Why do we call this outfit 'Big Orange' when there's every color _except_ orange?" Luffa went on. "Well, check this out. All wings, protocol Zed. Go, go, go!"

Launch had no idea how to do this, but apparently her plane did this automatically. An orange light glowed from every surface of the plane, and as it faded, she looked out the window and saw the others glowing orange as well. When the glow vanished, their jets were suddenly adorned with bold orange stripes and detailing. She thought she heard a tiger growl in the distance, but wasn't sure if that was her imagination or the closing of Twisted Sister's performance.

Then she noticed the red ship hadn't changed yet, and Launch heard someone snoring on the radio.

" _Jayncho!_ " Luffa shouted. "Wake _up_ and activate Protocol Zed!"

"Hrm? Sorry. It's just so comfy in this thing." came Jayncho's sleepy reply.

"Yeah, yeah, you can nap on your _own_ time, lady!" Luffa growled. "We've got a war to win!"

A few seconds later, the red jet transformed to match the others. Launch assumed that only her green jet was being remotely operated. Did Luffa seriously expect her to learn how to fly this thing? She hoped not, as it looked very complicated.

"All right, team, we're almost there. Try not to hit any buildings this time! Launch, you can fire the weapons with the red button on the stick. Figured you'd want to do that manually."

Launch noticed it immediately. "Hey, now you're talkin'!" she said.

"I also left some Chex Mix and cookies under your seat," Luffa added. "In case you get hungry later."

"Uh, thanks," Launch said.

"All wings! Pick your targets and go!" Luffa shouted.

Suddenly, Launch's jet descended into the city below, closing in on a group of red-and-green soldiers standing in the middle of an open road. Launch assumed these were their enemies, but she waited for the other five to shoot first, just in case.

The weapons seemed impressive at first. Bolts of orange light streaked down onto the warriors below, and produced brilliant explosions when they struck the pavement. But when the smoke cleared, Launch was surprised to see the road was undamaged, and their enemies were only mildly shaken by the attack. And then, before she could consider firing another volley, her jet pulled up at the last second, turning at a nearly perfect right angle straight up.

"What the hell?" Launch asked. "We goin' around for another pass?"

"No, we're bailing out!" Luffa said. "Get ready everyone."

"Bailing out?" Launch asked. "They didn't even hit us!"

"We always do it this way," Keda explained.

"Mm-hmm, first we strafe them, then we, uh, jump out and fight them hand-to-hand," Dotz said.

"But that's _stupid_!" Launch said.

"That's what I've been saying for _years_ ," M'ranga said.

"Yeah, but it _does_ work," Seltiss added.

"Cut the chatter and bail out, dammit!" Luffa snarled.

Launch was about to ask how to do this, when her seat suddenly shrank out from under her, disappearing into the fuselage, and she went tumbling out of the cockpit and into the aft section of the ship. She kept falling, until she found herself in what looked like a torpedo tube, only she was the torpedo. The next thing she knew, she was outside of the ship, and plummeting to the ground faster than free-fall.

By now, Launch was reasonably sure she could survive this. Luffa hadn't explained very much about how this power worked, but it was clear that she had become stronger, faster, and more durable. And besides, this was how Launch had always imagined dying. She had lived dangerously her whole life, so it only made sense that she would meet her end taking a risk that didn't quite pay off. Without a trace of fear, she contorted her body to do the "Iron Man" pose when she landed, hitting the pavement with her right fist, left knee, and right foot. To put her own stamp on it, she made sure her left hand was holding up the middle finger for anyone who happened to see her. She hoped she would leave a crater.

She did not. Instead, she somehow reached the ground at incredible speed, but without any impact at all. In her awkward pose, she only succeeded in losing her balance, and toppling forward. Around her, the rest of the Big Orange team landed at the same time, but each of them were standing.

"For the Eternal Holiday!" cried the enemy warriors. Now that Launch could see them up close, she realized they all looked like they were wearing spandex that covered them from head to toe. One of them, clearly their leader, was wearing a mask with a villainous looking face molded into its surface. She charged straight for Luffa, while her soldiers spread out to flank the others.

" _War,_ " Luffa said in response. Launch had no idea what this meant, until she heard music coming from nowhere in particular. It sounded like the score from one of the Rocky movies, the one where he fought the Soviet Superman. The rest of the team pulled out their weapons and began fighting. It took Launch a moment to remember she had her own weapon, but she quickly caught up with the rest of them.

Mayhem was the one part of this day that she actually understood.

There was something exciting about putting her new abilities to the test. The bad guys all looked like elves from Santa's workshop, and every time Launch shot or punched one, it set off an explosion or made sparks. None of them seemed to _die_ , or even get terribly hurt, but it was still immensely satisfying to attack them. They were fast enough to be challenging, but Launch was still quick enough that she could bob and weave through their offense. It was like playing some crazy video game. Launch had never cared much for video games before. The lights and sounds were fun, but there was no sense of danger. Now, with all of this being in real life, she supposed this was as good as it could get.

As she fought, she noticed the others doing the same. M'ranga had something that looked like a rifle with a bayonet knife. She would shoot a few elves, then slash at another with the blade. Jayncho had what appeared to be an endless supply of throwing stars. She would stand perfectly still and at ease, then leap into action whenever the enemy tried to attack. Even the children seemed to be doing well. Keda had a pair of batons, although she seemed to prefer roundhouse kicks. Seltiss used a pair of knives. These never seemed to actually cut the elves on contact, but the sparks they gave off seemed to hurt them in some imperceptible way. It was all very... _pretty._

Launch never had much use for beauty in life. It was all about action, but now she had plenty of it, and more, and her hyper-fast reflexes allowed her the time to take in the colors and flashes. She remembered once, as a little girl, crawling under the Christmas tree, She had no particular reason for doing this, other than curiosity, and because her parents told her not to, because it was " _dangerous_ ", which only made her want to do it even more. She wanted to see if she could fit, but she also wanted to see what the lights looked like from the inside out, and the results were not disappointing. And this wild battle strangely reminded her of that small, quiet moment.

And then she heard a voice in her ear. "Where'd you put the Box, Slables?"

"Excuse me?"

"Don't play dumb with me, _General_." It was Luffa speaking, and apparently the enemy commander was named "General Slaybles". "You Y-Dimension goons _always_ bring a Box with you on these raids. You try to load it up with energy, and we always have to find it and shut it off before it creates a larger portal for your invasion force to come through! So why don't you just tell me where you put it, and save us all some time?"

"Have a care, Earthling!" Slables replied. "Do you seriously expect me to be so obvious with my plans, or to share them with _you_?"

Launch looked around and spotted the two of them fighting some distance away. Slables would slash at Luffa with a sword, and Luffa would backflip out of its path and respond with a weapon that looked a lot like a sock stuffed with billiard balls. Slables would parry this attack and then try again, and so on.

"Not really," Luffa said. "But you're a worthy opponent, and I can tell we'll be at this a while, so I thought I'd make conversation. Whoa!"

Slables nearly decapitated Luffa, assuming her weapons could do any more damage than Big Orange's arsenal. Launch wasn't really sure, and she wasn't interested in giving her own opponents any free shots to find out. She wondered why Luffa had chosen to share this idle chatter. There had to be some sort of communicator inside their helmets, but why use it now?

"Aw, crap!" Launch gasped, as she realized the answer. Whatever the "Box" was, Luffa was trying to tell _Launch_ to go find it while Slables was distracted. Except Launch had no idea how to do this.

"You think you're so smart, don't you?" Slables growled at Luffa. "What makes you think I even _need_ a Box for this? My warriors are holding their own, and besides, I have Pinedeer!"

"Oh yeah, I forgot about him!" Luffa said. "Where is your new monster? I figured he'd be leading the charge here, while you'd be skulking around someplace _safe_!"

" _Ohhh_ -ho-ho-hoooo!" Slables laughed. "You Big Orange jerks think you're _so_ clever. What do you know of Yule Dimension tactics? I wanted you ladies to start with the smaller gifts, before I presented the big one!"

Launch didn't understand what she meant, until suddenly she heard the sound of a car engine revving up. She turned to find a luxury sedan heading straight for her. There was an oversized red ribbon wrapped around the frame, and tied up into a festive bow on the top. But what had Launch's attention was the bizarre monster posing seductively on the hood of the car.

"Seasons _Beatings_ , Big Orange!" the monster cried as Launch narrowly avoided getting run over. What she did _not_ avoid was the creature backflipping off the hood of the car and dropkicking her in the face.

"The name's _Pinedeer!_ And it's the last name you'll _ever_ hear! Bleeeeaaaargggh!"

Even as Launch scrambled to her feet, Pinedeer began attacking the others. It was the same monster they had seen at the base. Half-reindeer, half-pine tree, but with cartons of egg nog positioned where its nipples would be. Launch was shaken but not too badly hurt by its attack, but she was enraged enough that she opened fire on Pinedeer as soon as she had a clear shot.

"Last name, my butt!" Launch shouted. "William Henry Harrison, smartass! There's a name for ya! Howabout Englebert Humperdink?"

Enough shots connected to distract Pinedeer from the others. "Obligatory Mistletoe Pun Attack!" he shouted. His galoshes suddenly opened up from the front, revealing five miniature warheads on each foot. These shot out from the boots and aimed straight at Launch. She managed to shoot down two, and somehow caught a third, but the rest of them exploded on contact, sending her tumbling through the air. Then through a building.

It was uncomfortable, but not nearly as painful an experience as it should have been. As Launch rose to her feet, unsure of her surroundings, she noticed Keda entering the darkened room through the hole Launch had made.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah... I'm fine," Launch said with a cough. "Just... having some trouble."

"You smell like Chex Mix seasoning," Keda said as she took her arm to help her up. "Must have been something from Pindeer's missiles."

"Yeah, well when I'm done with _him_ , he'll need... need... aw _crap_! Aw crap!"

Instinctively, she reached for her nose, but her fingers hit the face of her helmet instead. Sometimes if she held her nose, it would stop this, but she needed to get the mask off first. And she had no idea how she got it on in the first place.

"Launch, what's wrong?" Keda asked as she watched her teammate fumble around the edges of her helmet, trying to find a latch or a seam.

"I'm trying to-- _to_ \--!" she said in a panic, but it was too late. By the time Keda understood that she needed help getting the helmet off, Launch sneezed.

"Yeah, these things are kind of dumb," Keda said as she finally understood what Launch was trying to do. "They look silly but they don't actually protect you. The Orange power makes us darn near invincible anyway. And I guess they didn't even filter out all that seasoning dust. This is why most of us don't wear the things, but... whoa. _Launch_? Is that _you_?"

Keda finally got the helmet to unseal, and it fell off of Launch's head, revealing a head of long _blue_ hair, instead of the blonde she had started with. For Keda, it seemed as though Launch were now a different person entirely.

And, unfortunately for Launch, this was true. She had no idea where she was, or what her other self had been doing all day, or why she was wearing a bright green superhero costume. She looked at Keda's costume and heard the explosions and weapons fire outside, and could only think of one thing to say.

"Goodness gracious...!"

**NEXT: Dowry-7, Go!**


End file.
